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By Ellie, February 10, 2010 12:01 am

Hey, dudes and dudettes! Turn up your beat boxes, put on your parachute pants, and get ready to have a radical time as we head back to the 90s and revisit The Disney Afternoon comics! * Radical times not guaranteed.

Last week, in part one, we explored the fascinating scenario of the Phantasmic Four being stripped of everything that made them sinister and fun, rendering them sensitive to the mere suggestion that they were starving. Seriously. Then we took a short trip to Spoonerville and witnessed Goofy score one for loveable schmucks everywhere as he ruined Pete’s paint job. It was quite an improvement, I’ll say.

Now we head into another tailspin as we visit our good buddy, pilot extraordinaire, perpetually-in-debt Baloo and his passenger of the day, Molly Cunningham.

Today’s cargo is bubble gum, made fresh in Gumbeaux, the Bubble Gum Capital of the World, and one of my top five places to relocate to from Disappointment, North Carolina. And it’s such a relief, knowing that I won’t be the only human resident in an anthropomorphic population, if the card above is any proof. (And that’s not the only example of humans existing in TDA comics.)

Why Baloo has to have Molly along, it’s never explained, and I can’t remember too much of the show to remember if he had to occasionally babysit her or what. I’m going with “on the clock babysitting without pay,” but it seems just so Becky Cunningham. But Baloo actually likes Molly, so I don’t see why he’d mind.

“Here we are, Molly!” enthuses Baloo. “Got your choppers ready for a bit of the ol’ bubbly?” First of all, bubbly is slang for champagne. I see bubbly = bubble gum, but that’s just a weird thing to call a candy, especially when talking to a little kid. (Plus, I got this weird image of Baloo biting down on solid champagne.)

Molly doesn’t say one way or the other if she or her choppers are ready for bubble gum. She just asks Baloo if the people of Gumbeaux always give him free gum. Baloo tells her that they do: “They love me here Why, every time I pick up cargo they say–”

“You again! Back to make more trouble?”

Yep, the cargo lady isn’t too happy with Baloo. Seems Papa Bear dissed the Gumbeaux king and really got on the natives’ nerves. He apologized for the whole mess, but the cargo lady isn’t going to let him have his shipment.

“Uh, trouble in paradise, Molly! Just stay put while I see what’s what!” Second of all, the phrase trouble in paradise implies that two romantic partners are having… trouble. Maybe even a falling out. Third of all, Baloo, you know “what’s what.” You pissed off the citizens of Gumbeaux and they’re denying you your shipment out of childish retaliation. I’m beginning to really dislike this installment.

Molly, being the unusually well-behaved child she is, plays with her dolly while singing nursery rhymes. If there’s anything I learned from writing/editing books (but not from any of my college writing courses, strangely enough), is that every story needs conflict. And since the troubles of mail delivery is less than enthralling to kids, why don’t we try a cute little bat that spits gum? How Disney-esque!

Molly tells the adorable beastie that she isn’t allowed to play with monsters… but she’ll make an exception because… well, look at it. Wouldn’t you want to play with something so cuddly and squeezable and goddamn I just wanna crush that thing in a deadly hug of doom!

Fortunately, Molly has more control and settles for playing hopscotch with the little spitter. Why she’d think about Godzilla jumping rope is anyone’s guess. It’s also anyone else’s guess if the Tailspin universe was aware of Godzilla. The cartoon did have parodies and references to actual people from the 30s, but… maybe I should get the DVDs and find out for myself.

Baloo’s coming back, and boy, is he pissed. “… and the same to you, lady! Hmph!” Yeah, that’s telling her, Papa Bear.

Molly knows it’s time to go, but she’s not going to say good-bye to her new friend. Using little kid logic, she believes that her mother will be thrilled to have a gum-spitting bat in their home.

I think she’ll scream in womanly terror.

Baloo comes back onto the dock, huffing and mumbling about how the “gofers must take la-di-da lessons,” whatever the hell that means. Before Molly can tell him about her amazing discovery, Baloo notices something very wrong.

Damn, Baloo, you talk so crazy.

“That flippin’ tail flap’s flopped down again!” Baloo cries as he sees the flopped tail flap of the Sea Duck. Fortunately, he’s got just the tools to fix the problem in two shakes. (He doesn’t say “of a lamb’s tail,” either, he just says “shakes.” Did Baloo always make no sense? Maybe I should click over to YouTube after I’m done…)

“Maybe if I just randomly rivet this plate into place…”

Now the Sea Duck is ready to fly again. Little Molly zonks out from all the excitement. How precious. It’ll be a silent flight for the most part, so Baloo lowers the radio and settles in for an easy…

What the… did the bat spit into his mouth?!

At least we now know the creature’s real name. Baloo needs to get the beastie under control or Molly could get hurt. Never mind what disaster a wild creature flying about the cockpit could cause. What ensues is a very short chase where Baloo gets spit in the face again. Fortunately, he doesn’t get any in his mouth. Who knows what germs a Gumby Booger Butt Bat carries?

Baloo, your credit’s already been blown to hell.Do you really want to trust a mangy bat with it?

All that running around and those empty promises pays off. The bat’s in the bag and almost out the window…

“Look for the bear necessities of death, you little monster!”
(Okay, so he wasn’t going to kill it. Shut up.)

Molly finally wakes up. With all that screaming (and singing), I’m surprised she didn’t earlier. But she pleads with Papa Bear to spare her pet. “This pest’s no pet!” says Baloo. “He’s a consarned, dad-gummed, dingbusted so-and-so!” Harsh.

Just then, a terrible CREAK rips through the air. What could it possibly be…

It’s the freakin’, flippin’, friggin’, fraggin’ tail flap! It’s flopped again! OH NO THEY’RE DOOOOOMED!!!

Molly knows it. The Bumbling Beeble Bat knows it. But Baloo puts on a brave face and stutteringly asks Molly if she’d like to sing a song to pass the time. Good idea. The next time I’m on a plane and there’s a high risk of crashing into the ocean, I’m gonna to sing “Buttons” by the Pussycat Dolls. I’m gonna get my whole fucking row to join in, and that fat guy who’s on every flight will sing the second verse.

Baloo’s selection, though, is “99 Bottles of Pop,” because this is a kid’s comic. As Molly begins to sing, the Frumpy Burping Bat spits on Baloo. This gives Baloo an idea. No, it isn’t strangling the annoying thing with its own bubble-icious spit:

So bubble gum seals the hinges but a riveted plate does nothing?

Apparently bubble gum is like duct tape in the Disney universe. But if it’s strong enough to hold together a tail flap, then wouldn’t Baloo’s mouth be gummed shut? What about when he wiped the gum off his face? Wouldn’t his hand still be stuck to his face? Wouldn’t the fur have come off?

I’m not even going to ask how Baloo is managing to stay on the tail despite the plane still being in motion.

Our heroes make it back to Cape Suzette, safe and sound. Naturally, Becky’s disgusted by the adorable Gumbling Soup Sucking Bean Bat. It doesn’t matter to her that the little guy saved her daughter, her cargo, and the dumb babbling bear who’s making less and less sense with each panel.

What song about a kid and a… ugh. At this point, I want to spit on Baloo, too. Good going, Gumming Buggering Boozle Bake Bat. Good going.

But we’re not finished yet! There are plenty of more laughs ahead as we visit the wackiest Disney toon ever to leap out from the animation board: Bonkers D. Bobcat!

…

That’s it?

Don’t get me wrong, it was cute… but what about Lucky or Miranda? What about totally insane former toon stars trying to raise hell in Hollywood? What about the ridiculously stereotypical one-sided romance between Bonkers and Fawn Deer? What about the endless exploration into Toon Physics and the cynical man who learns to love and use them?

Unfortunately, this is about par for other people’s treatment of Bonkers. He doesn’t get a lot of love outside the tragically small fandom and the mid-90s Disney Adventures magazine. Leaves me all bitter inside.

That’s it for the first issue, folks. Tune in next week when I’ll have part one of issue two up and ready–maybe even before midnight!