Looking at the clock on the wall… hey, where’d it go? Could have sworn we hung it back up after taking down the Christmas decorations. Anyway, it’s time for another Disney Afternoon comic installment!

It seemed like only two weeks ago when I was reviewing the first “fun-filled” issue. My, how time drags on. It’s my pleasure to finally get to the second issue, sure to be even more fun-filled, hilarious, and wackier than the first!

You think I should start mentioning the titles of these stories? I think I should, because there won’t always be times when I’ll post an image of the first panel… like now. The first story is Sleep Ducking! Part I. Yes, it’s a two-parter, and it feels a little too early in the series for multi-part adventures.

Anywhoodle, our first story opens in front of the Canard Bank in St. Canard. The city is strangely empty for the most part, save for the typical Disney anthro-dog and a suspiciously human looking lady who appears to be pregnant. Or maybe she just likes fat-free cookies and diet sodas. They’re actually supposed to be more fattening than the regular stuff, you know.

I’m not going to show you a picture of her, because our Villain of the Day is going to get plenty of scans…

You’re not imagining things, and it’s not an artist’s fluke. It is, however, a big mistake. It’s been years since I’ve watched any of the Disney Afternoon cartoons (save for Bonkers eps on YouTube), but I recall only one episode where there was a human in a Darkwing Duck ep. I think he was an alien or a superhero. The point is that ducks, anthropomorphic dogs, and the occasional feline were the only human-like characters in the DW universe. They replaced humans in the cartoon. Why the hell are humans making a regular appearance in the comics?

Before my brain starts to melt from fan rage, let’s meet this Villain of the Day, shall we? Dr. Anna Matronic *waits for the groans to die down* is getting some funds for some dastardly project of hers. Why else would a villain need to rob a bank? None of them ever want to send a cold million to their destitute mothers.

She wants all the money, “or my robo-hounds here will teach you the all too painful meaning of chew toy!” Just as the frightened teller stuffs a money bag with a stack of money, our Fearless Hero swoops in to save the day.

“Not after I, the caped crusader, capturer of canines, teach those scrap hounds to roll over and play rust bucket!” DW’s lines are always full of win, no matter how punny they are.

Of course, Dr. Matronic has to ruin the good fuzzy feelings by commenting that “every program has a glitch!” Yes, be prepared for lots of computer and programming puns.

And just how is the Caped Crusader going to put an end to Dr. Matronics heist? What kind of kick-ass gadgets are we going to see this time? I hope it’s a ray gun! Please say ray gun!

Seriously?

Okay, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Those are robo-hounds, after all. So Launchpad unscrews the fire hydrant, turning the hose into a weapon of mass drenching.

Bad move. The dogs are waterproof, and had been since a previous heist. What kind of a mad scientist would program a fish-fetching function in a robo-hound anyway? Besides one with absolutely no common sense? (Was that a rare fish she needed or something? I mean, why would you need a fish?)

Also, the cop’s and teller’s species changed in one page. If there’s one positive thing I can say about this series so far is that it never fails to surprise me.

Incapable of doing something as simple as letting go of a frickin’ hose, Darkwing continues to fly about the bank, spraying open bags of money and just generally causing chaos. “Time to abort this program, my little pups,” says Dr. Matronic as she just stands under the spray, holding her dogs’ leashes. I assume she made a very calm getaway, and even paused for a few minutes so her dogs could drop a few bolts, if you get my drift.

Meanwhile, people run all over the bank, reveling in the literal shower of dollar bills. “Free money!” one of them screams. I don’t know much about banks, except that their savings interest rates suck, but wouldn’t the money that came from the bank vault still be the bank’s property until it leaves the premises? What the hell is Mr. Money screaming about?

Later, at the Mallard residence, Drake is watching the news about the bank incident. The reporter calls Dr. Matronic Madam Anna Matronic, which is kind of odd. The teller confirms the reporter’s question that, yes, the villain did leave behind the money, but they’re still peeling it off the ceiling. “Ingrate,” Drake mutters.

Hey, hey! Gosalyn makes her appearance, much to Drake’s irritation. It’s way past her bedtime, but Gos doesn’t want to hear it. The Eleven O’Clock Movie is having a senseless gore and violence, and she’s gotta watch it!

Now we’re getting a little closer to the original source. This was one of the reasons why I liked the show. Even if they weren’t related by blood, Drake/DW and Gos had a real father-and-daughter dynamic that brought color and life into what was a parody of the superhero/vigilante genre. The writers could have made Gos a typical child sidekick, but they went a step further and had Drake/DW enroll her in school, order her to finish her dinner, and be a general pain in her feathery butt.

I wonder how long this will keep up in the Marvel comics?

Cue the ominous music as we check in on the diabolical Dr. Matronic in her high-rise apartment/lab. What could this terrible, twisted femme be plotting now? What horrible thoughts are crawling through her dark, genius mind?

“Darkwing Duck never lets me do anything! Every time I’m on the cusp of achieving brilliance, he shows up and deletes my prospects!”

*sigh* While she whines away, her “hapless assistant, Roy,” is being fitted with a funky helmet. He honestly looks like one of the Devo guys, only without the humorous charm. As if that weren’t humiliating enough, he’s being ordered to shove a cream pie into his face.

See, the embarrassing head gear is a mind control device that Dr. Matronic hopes to use on DW in some nefarious way. She just has to get this dumpy teen to shove that slapsticky dessert in his acne-scarred face. But not even the promise of five bucks can entice him.

Since Dr. Matronic doesn’t have the funds from the aborted bank heist, she can’t built a helmet “powerful enough to control a defiant mind.” So she spends the next several minutes/hours/who the hell cares looking for something called an aranda meter. Meanwhile, Roy is falling asleep, still holding the cream pie/cake in his hands.

Finally, Dr. Matronic finds the blasted aranda meter. “Naughty me!” she says stupidly. “I should command Roy to smash that cake into my face for not putting away my toys.”

“As you command…” Roy mumbles.

SPLAF!

With a face full of cake, Dr. Matronic comes to a startling conclusion: her life is a lie and she should have gone to sports mascot school. Okay, she doesn’t, but it would have been a funnier outcome. The aranda meter indicates that her lackey’s sleeping mind is more susceptible to commands.

Now she’s getting somewhere…

And now for the obligatory whole page scan, because I just love this one and my words can’t do it justice.

Gos is such a twerp. And that’s why we all love her.

Darkwing runs into action. That’s right, there’s no Rat Catcher, so our hero must arrive at the scene of the crime a-huffin’ and a-puffin’ to the incredibly dull and uninteresting Hamburger Hippo.

But DW’s too late. Drat! The human owner didn’t get a good look at him, but he did note that the culprit wore “a fashionable trench coat with a keenly matching hat!” A radio nearby reports that Art’s Deli is being robbed by the same guy… but the deli is on the other side of town. So DW rushes over to the deli, only to find that the crook is missing, but he was still fabulously dressed while on his way to Burrito Bell. On the other side of town.

So it’s like that for a few panels. DW arrives at the scene of the crime, but the fashion-minded felon has gone off. If I had known what kind of race I was in for, I would have brought the Rat Catcher in the first place! Why didn’t you bring it anyway, dingbat?

Since all this running around is making me tired, let’s get to the bottom of this mystery, shall we? Who could possibly be running DW ragged? Who could it be? WHOOOOO?!

Part one of Dr. Matronic’s plan is complete. Wearing out DW so he could be apprehended by her mangy mecha-mutts worked perfectly! Now to plop that horrendous helmet onto his head! Now just to wait for him to fall asleep…

Why do villains always give away their plans as soon as they leave the hero? Why is this cliché still alive? Why are there so many goddamn humans in what’s supposed to be a human-free city? Why why why?!

Well, you just gotta hold onto your butt cheeks, because the answers to these questions–and more–will just have to be answered in next week’s installment!* Stay tooned, kiddies!

*Spoiler: They’re never answered.